Oneness in marriage means that a husband and wife are headed the same direction at the same time for the same reasons. Jesus said that in marriage, a man and woman are “no longer two but one.”
So what are the things that blow up oneness, and how can we deactivate the bomb before is explodes?
- Failure to commit your relationship to the Lord.
Too many couples spend more time worrying about getting a wedding dress, the guest list (do we have to invite Aunt Lizzie?), and the playlist at the reception (but we have to have “On the Pontoon.”) than they do about properly preparing for marriage. Therein lies the problem: honeymoons and first homes cannot supersede committing one’s relationship to the Lord.
Too many couples think marriage is about them. It’s not! Marriage is about honoring God. Marriage is about doing together what you could never do alone.
Deactivate the Bomb
- Bow together before God and commit your relationship to Him.
- Plan a public time of re-commitment (we do this every spring after our marriage enrichment class).
- Commit to pray daily with and for your spouse.
- Worship and serve together in a vibrant community of believers.
- Failure to “Leave” and “Cleave.”
When God designed marriage, He said that all former relationships are to become secondary, and their new relationship is to be primary. The husband and wife are to be united to each other and never let go. “Therefore what God has joined together, let man not separate” (Matthew 19:6).
Deactivate the Bomb
- Place your relationship with parents behind your relationship with your spouse. NEVER talk to you parents about marriage issues. NEVER.
- Place your relationship with friends behind your relationship with your spouse. You might have to give up Monday Night Football with the boys.
- Marriage is a room with no exits. Vow to each other (again) and God (again) that you will not leave the relationship. Remember that “for better or worse” thing you said on your wedding day?
- Busy distractions.
Emails are a blessing and a curse. Cell phones are just a curse. Anyone can reach you at any time. Then kids come and, of course, since they are going to be a professional athlete, we have to have them in three sports at a time (forget family meals).
Deactivate the Bomb
- Weekly meetings. Once a week set aside a time to schedule the week’s events. Keep a family calendar, evaluate your busyness, and make the necessary changes.
- Learn to say “No.” In fact, learn to say “NO!” Is it really worth spending weekends apart so one of you can fly with Sally to Sarasota for a soccer tournament?
- Keeping up with the Jones.
Money is not only the root of all evil; it is the demise of many marriages. The hidden issues that come with money (power, control, care, etc.) drive wedges between husbands and wives.
Deactivate the Bomb
- Get a grip on your finances.
- Downsize if necessary. If you have to work seventy hours a week, travel around the world, miss your children growing up and see your marriage fall apart just so you can pay for all your stuff and feed your ego—it ain’t worth it!
- Stages of life.
Marriage is full of adjustments and changes. First there are the adjustments of being married. Lori and I had numerous arguments on whether or not the bathroom door should be open or closed when not in use. In her family it was opened; in my family it was closed.
There are adjustments and changes in raising children—the toddler, elementary, middle school, and high school. One day, you’ll be dropping them off at college. It’s a killer. Then they get married. Walking my daughters down the aisle was another killer. Someone said it’s like handing over a million dollar Stradivarius violin to a gorilla.
There are adjustments and changes as our parents age and our last child leaves.
If we don’t do stages of life well, one day we sitting together in an empty home staring at a person we don’t know.
Deactivate the Bomb
- Keep Dating. Yeah, I know, it sounds too simple. But having a consistent time where you can get away from kids and issues of life, be together, have fun, laugh together, and talk in relaxed moments will allow you to grow together through the stages of life. Sometimes Lori and I go out to eat or to a movie. Sometimes we sit on our front porch and talk (like we used to do on her front porch when we were dating).
- It has to be my way.
James says that our fights and quarrels come from the desires that battle within us. “You want something but you don’t get it” (see James 4:1-3). Some husbands and wives are just downright selfish. If they don’t get their way they pout, at best, or use others emotions of marriage as weapons. Some use sex—the giving or refusing—as a power play to get their way.
Deactivate the Bomb
- Admit your sin.
- Seek forgiveness from God and your spouse.
- Unhealthy communication.
“Reckless words pierce like a sword” (Proverbs 12:18). We know that to be true. A lack of communication or unhealthy communication will crater a marriage. In communication we share our heart. If we can’t do that with our spouse, oneness is in jeopardy.
Deactivate the Bomb
- Ask God to guard your tongue.
- Learn the “Speaker-Listener” technique (I will teach it to you in an upcoming blog).
There are many other things that blow up marriages. Some things, like affairs or abuse, need professional Christian counseling. What are some other things you would add to “Things that Blow Up Oneness in a Marriage?”